


Voices Carry

by NoOneKnowsIWriteThis



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e22 The Wire, Season 3, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 12:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14057436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis/pseuds/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis
Summary: Julian thought he could handle a secret affair with Garak, but he's never been good at guarding his heart.-Inspired by the song "Voices Carry" by Til Tuesday





	Voices Carry

_ Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry _

-

They had come together without words. Julian had deliberately placed his hand slightly over Garak's as they'd discussed some work of literature. His fingers ran along Garak’s in a tentative caress. He'd maintained eye contact, watching for Garak's reaction.

Instead of the rejection he'd been expecting, he'd been taken by surprise when Garak had shifted his hand in order to return Julian's caress. Garak had then leaned in and whispered a request for Julian to visit his shop that afternoon.

Dutifully, Julian had arrived at Garak's shop, more than half-expecting to be shoved into a changing stall and quickly ravished. Instead, Garak handed him a shirt and told him to try it on. When Julian had emerged from the changing stall, Garak had fussed over the fit of the garment, then promised to make some alterations and bring it to Julian's quarters that evening.

That night, when Garak had finally made his appearance, shirt in hand to provide an excuse for his presence, Julian was at last allowed to touch, to kiss, and the two consummated their relationship. Garak barely allowed Julian time to bask in the afterglow before getting up, cleaning both of them off and preparing to leave.

“Wait!” Julian called, catching Garak’s arm.

Garak turned toward him, his face an unreadable mask once more.

“Could...could we do this again?” Julian asked, almost plaintively. “Please?” He felt foolish begging, but he didn’t want this night with Garak to be the only time. He wanted to see him again and again, as often as he could, not just as a friend, but also as a lover, and Julian knew if he didn’t establish that now, Garak would likely let the experience fade into the background of their relationship.

Garak blinked slowly, clearly thinking. “You want to do this again?” he asked quietly.

Julian nodded. “I wouldn’t have risked our friendship if all I wanted was a quick fling.” He lusted for the Cardassian, certainly, but it was a tender kind of lust, one that came with a desire for at least some of the trappings of romance. Julian ached to do more than simply have sex with Garak. He wanted to hold Garak and be held in turn, to kiss the Cardassian hard or soft as the whim came, and to explore Garak’s body until it became as familiar to him as his own.

Garak tilted his head and smiled, it seemed like one of his fake smiles, but Julian felt reassured by it nonetheless. Garak had smiled less since his implant was deactivated. Even the false ones had been supplanted by weary sighs and other similar expressions. After a deliberate moment of silence, Garak replied “I suppose I would be amenable to such an arrangement, doctor.”

Julian suppressed a wince at the use of his title. Even when they’d both been in the throes of passion, Garak hadn’t used his name, instead defaulting to ‘my dear.’ Julian shouldn’t have been surprised to hear Garak return to their usual formality once he’d left the bed.

“However, there will need to be rules for us to abide by if this is going to work.”

“What kind of rules?” Julian asked, knowing full well that he’d likely agree to just about anything Garak proposed as long as it didn’t endanger them or threaten his position in Starfleet more than their involvement already would.

Garak’s rules were, for the most part, simple and sensible. They would not acknowledge their arrangement outside of the strictest privacy. They created a code to arrange their meetings. And they were both allowed to pursue other people if they wished. Julian suspected that last rule was more for his benefit than Garak’s, but even so he didn’t feel a pressing need to use it.

Their secret arrangement continued for a while with Garak persistently slipping away sooner than Julian wanted, and Julian trying to coax a little more tenderness from his secret lover.

Then came the maiden voyage of the Defiant and Julian’s experience in the Dominion’s simulation. That’s when everything began to change.

Seeing Garak’s death had rattled Julian, and despite knowing now that it had all been an illusion, he was still shaken to his very core. He rushed to find Garak the moment that he was dismissed, barely sparing a thought to how this was probably violating the spirit if not the letter of the rules that Garak had laid out for them.

The Cardassian was in the middle of closing up his shop when Julian found him. Julian nearly swept Garak into a crushing embrace, more to assure himself that Garak was alive than anything else, but the sharpness in Garak’s eyes when their gazes met froze him in his tracks.

“Ah, doctor. I take it the Defiant has returned from its journey in one piece,” Garak stated casually, almost coolly, clearly trying to remind Julian of how things were supposed to be between them.

It was all Julian could do to nod as he swallowed around the lump in his throat. Now that it was presented before him, the difference between the real Garak and the Garak from the simulation was blindingly obvious. In the simulation, Garak had greeted him warmly, though within the preset boundaries of their relationship, but here Julian was being pushed away.

“I would like you to tailor my uniform.” The code words to arrange a later, more private meeting felt thick on Julian’s tongue. He didn’t necessarily want to have sex with Garak that evening, but he needed at least some tender contact to prove to himself that the Cardassian was alive and well, and if sex was the only way he could get it, then so be it.

Garak looked at him curiously. Julian held himself still under the examination. Finally Garak reached a decision and spoke.

“Alright,” he said slowly. “I can fit in an appointment for you in six days.” Based on their code, that meant Garak would come by in six hours, but that was far too long for Julian to wait.

“No, I-” Julian started, then cut himself off. “It’s somewhat urgent. Can’t you...fit me in any earlier?”

There was a long pause as Garak once again examined Julian. Something in Julian’s expression must have convinced him because Garak’s eyes softened and he let out a sigh. “I suppose I could take care of you as soon as I’m done here. Your uniform is in your quarters?”

Julian nodded quickly, too nervous that he’d shatter the moment to speak.

“I’ll meet you there shortly,” Garak said with a nod. A clear dismissal.

Julian started to walk away, then he paused, turned back and whispered “thank you.”

Julian didn’t have long to wait after going to his quarters before Garak arrived. Julian abandoned the mug of tea he'd replicated for comfort, but had been too anxious to drink, and he rushed to embrace Garak, who remained still under his touch.

“I'm sorry,” Julian murmured. “It's just so good to see you alive.”

Hesitantly, as if he himself was unsure of the action, Garak slid his arms lightly around Julian as well. Julian sighed at the contact.

“I was never in danger, my dear,” Garak said softly. “You were the one who went off through the wormhole.” There was almost a hint of melancholy in his voice, a hint of past worry.

Suddenly Julian felt all the tension he'd been carrying leave his body. He tightened his grip on Garak's tunic and focused on pushing back the rising wave of tears. He was about to be overwhelmed when Garak spoke.

“Are we going to have sex tonight?” he asked. His tone was casual, as if Julian wasn't clinging to him like he was a lifeline.

Julian clung tighter and nodded. “Just… just give me a moment.”

Garak’s hand ran gently down Julian's back. “...we don't have to,” Garak offered quietly.

Julian drew back to look at Garak's face. His expression was as difficult to read as ever, but there was a bit of concern in his eyes that Julian wasn't used to seeing from the Cardassian.

“Can I just hold you?” Julian asked. “I need to remind myself that you're here, alive.”

Garak nodded his consent.

Julian led them to the couch. Slowly, holding turned to kissing and kissing turned to touching and touching turned to sex. But Garak didn't push Julian into any of it, instead Julian was the one pulling Garak along, craving more and more contact to reassure himself that this was real, that Garak was safe.

As Julian lay cradled in Garak's arms, dreading the moment that Garak would leave, a realization came to him, one that had to be voiced.

“I'm falling in love with you,” Julian whispered, the words escaping from his mouth before he could think through the potential consequences.

For a moment there was stunned silence, then Garak hissed a warning.

_ “Doctor.” _

“I'm  _ serious _ ,” Julian protested, twisting around so he could see Garak's face. “I'm-”

Suddenly Garak's hand was over Julian's mouth, silencing him.

“Don't say it,” Garak growled. “ _ Don't.  _ The walls have ears, my dear doctor, and we don't want them to hear your little confession.” He sighed. “Did you think all of that sneaking around was for fun? It was to keep me safe, to keep you safe as well, even if you weren't aware of the danger. The last thing either of us needs is to become so compromised that he throws caution to the wind.  _ You  _ are endangering  _ both of us _ with that, so I'm telling you again:  _ do not say it.” _

Julian's face shifted into a look of confusion and hurt, but he nodded. Garak slowly pulled his hand away.

“I agreed to this arrangement against my better judgement. Do not make me regret that decision,” Garak warned. “If you can’t stick to our rules, then we should end this now.”

Julian quickly shook his head. “No, I can follow them. It won’t be a problem.”

Garak’s eyes bored into Julian’s, searching for something: his sincerity, his commitment, Julian wasn’t sure what, but Garak seemed satisfied. He moved to gently stroke Julian’s cheek, a show of tenderness that was painfully sweet.

“Good,” Garak whispered. “Because I must confess that I would rather not give you up if I don’t have to.” Julian allowed himself to be pulled into a gentle kiss.

Their arrangement continued, unaltered. Occasionally Julian would work up the nerve to ask Garak what, precisely he was so worried about attacking them, but Garak would always deflect rather than answer.

When Garak’s shop exploded, Julian didn’t even think. He rushed inside the still-smoking structure, found Garak, and had both of them beamed to the infirmary. Garak’s joking off of the explosion and his injuries only served to drive Julian to the point of exasperation.

Julian went to Quark’s for his lunch break, hoping that at least the atmosphere would help take his thoughts away from Garak’s flippancy about his own near-death. It worked well enough, then he returned to his office to find a package of Delavian chocolates lying on his desk and he found his pulse racing for a different reason.

There was something depressingly final about their farewell at the airlock, as if Garak suspected he likely wouldn’t return. Julian tried to distract himself from that nagging sense of concern, and he managed it to a degree, until the senior staff departed in the Defiant to rescue Odo.

Julian stood by in the transporter room, because it was better than standing in the infirmary and waiting to be called. That didn’t keep him from rushing to Garak’s side as soon as the Cardassian and Odo were safely beamed aboard.

Garak’s only injury appeared to be a minor bruise on the side of his face, but Julian took him to the infirmary anyway, just to be safe. After healing the bruise, he turned to put the dermal regenerator away, but was stopped by Garak’s hand catching his arm.

“Wait, Julian.”

Julian felt his heart leap into his throat. Garak had used his name. Garak had never used his name before, preferring the formality of ‘doctor’ or the ambiguity of ‘my dear’. “Yes?” he replied softly, his professional demeanor abandoning him.

Garak hesitated, then he wrapped his free hand around the back of Julian’s head and brought him down into a tender kiss. Julian was only taken off-guard for a moment before he began to kiss back. The regenerator fell from his hand.

“I thought we had to be careful? I thought it was dangerous?” Julian asked when they broke apart.

Garak sighed and for a moment his mask dropped, revealing weariness and resignation. “It doesn’t matter anymore. No one is watching me now. There’s no one left to care.”

Julian frowned thoughtfully and laid a hand on the outside of Garak’s shoulder, away from his neck ridge. “What does that mean for us?” he asked quietly.

Garak lay back and closed his eyes. “I don’t know, my dear,” he murmured. “I don’t know.”

“Let me know when you figure it out,” Julian whispered, running the fingers of his free hand through Garak's hair. For a moment the sentence hung between them like a ghost, then Garak nodded. Julian gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze and walked out of the infirmary to give Garak time to rest and consider what the next step in their relationship would be.


End file.
